This song does a really excellent job of explaining the real reason why it is I ended up being a bicycle riding kind of guy.
I learned to fix bikes because if I didn't fix the problem, the story line of this song was my fate.
Chances are, unless you happen to be a black male who grew up in a poor part of the east bay who never got involved with the "thug" mentality, you won't particularly sympathize with the protagonist's lyrics.
Suffice it to say this is not merely a bus ride into a fanciful hypothetical for the sake of an amusing story line. It is quite an accurate description of travel via AC Transit in certain neighborhoods, from the inexplicably long delays to the fun characters on the bus.
I particularly like skit #2: "A-yo, you Rosa Parks' son motherfucker? Bring your ass back here..."
Which is to say, if a millionaire gives $500,000 to charity and good causes - a full 50% of his assets - he has $500,000 left over to keep and spend on himself.
The impoverished man who gives away $5, but only has 1,000 to his name, gave but .5%; however, he has only $995 left for himself.
This makes it by far the greater personal sacrifice. True giving can not be measured by the benefit to the receiver, but only by the sacrifice made by the giver.
He who is destitute yet giveth still, shall be the world's greatest philanthropist.
I never set out, intended, nor expected to become a representative of the environmental movement, an activist, or really anyone special at all.
As I mentioned in blogs past, I believe the most significant and positive thing we can do to be responsible citizens is to truly live each of our own individual lives as close to our own principals as we can. I believe this makes more real difference than all of the shouting, the signs, the email letters to representatives. If everyone just did their own little part, there would cease to even be a need for the grand gestures.
And yet, as it turns out, apparently living by my modest principals has propelled me into this role without my having to try.
In just the past couple weeks:
-I have been offered the position of vice-president of the board of a (not yet in existence) children's library, collectionlibrary.org/ (I am the only member of the board with neither an advanced degree nor related education and/or non-profit experience)
-I was interview for a grad student's thesis (ok, granted, those first two are somewhat related)
-I was filmed by faircompanies.com and have 3 short video interviews which touch on my home, my vehicles, and my business Home Transportation Business
-I presented the awards (and gifts) to the team in Alameda county which logged the most commute miles during bike-to-work month last May (when I also volunteered, packing gift bags as well as at one of the energizer stations) at the Dublin city council meeting (the winner's were all employees of the City of Dublin)
-I had the domain I originally wanted for my website biodieselhauling.com/ donated to me by the previous owner - despite my specifically requesting to pay for it, on the grounds of his liking what I am doing with it
-Soon I will be running yet another free bicycle parking station at a local event artandsouloakland.com/ yet another thing which I am not quite sure how I ended up doing.
-And with any luck, I'll end up a member of the Oakland Bike Patrol btceb.org/bikepatrol.php which is mostly an excuse to get me to ride my mountain bike more, but is also because, believe it or not, I kind of miss my old job as a private security guard sometimes - I actually got to help a lot of people.
You know what I always say: "Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know so called volunteers don't even get paid?" (Homer Simpson)
Most people assume all websites to be .com, so this means a lot of confused customers will be able to find me a lot easier.
The person who owned it until today, a college student in Oregon, he had a similar business idea to mine, and a few months before I first set up my website he reserved the name.
I contacted him and offered to buy it almost two years ago, but he said he intended to use it in the next few weeks.
However, he never ended up using the site. I checked in recently, and found it was still idle.
I contacted him again, and offered to buy it and let him pick a price. He refused payment, and transferred the domain to me the next day. I wrote again, explaining that I am using the site for commercial reasons, and offered to pay, at the very least, whatever he paid for the domain in the first place. Again, he declined.
Without a Paypal address or mailing address (the DNS had the school's address), there isn't much I can do.
He said he agrees with what I'm doing, and to re-invest what ever I would have paid him.
The GoDaddy website (who the domain is registered with) specifically encourages people to register domains for the sole reason of reselling them at a profit to someone who will actually use them. Plenty of people do just that, essentially web domain speculating - and making money while providing literally nothing of value to society.
This person did just the opposite - paid for a site, and then gave it away.
Take that capitalism!!
I am not the only anti-capitalist still out there.
There is morality, generosity, left in this country.
To the guy in question (perhaps he doesn't want his name public, but he knows who he is) you have all of my respect and gratitude.
Something feels off about my last post.
Too negative.
I forgot the important part about how being "green" isn't really a sacrifice at all.
Because, really, a great many things that we take for granted today, many of the convinces and luxuries, don't really add much to life - in fact, some take away from it.
Say, for example, you trade your car for a bike and your steak for a salad.
Right off the top you are saving money. In the case of the car, thousands upon thousands of dollars.
Then, after a few weeks, you are getting healthier, stronger, losing weight, feeling better about yourself, feeling better about getting up and starting each new day.
The same goes if you just take a partial step, say riding the bike to work (or to the train station, whatever) once a week, and reducing animal product intake by half.
You still find yourself with more energy, a more positive outlook on the world. After a few months, maybe a year, chances are you are up to 3 days a week, and meat only for special occasions.
Meanwhile you have this big ole stack of bills piling up in your bank account - oh, and as a side benefit, you are doing a huge service for the environment ("the environment" being short-hand for "the future of all life on the planet, including ourselves")
Its like smoking. For a smoker, there really isn't any reward to each cigarette, other than the cessation of the withdrawal symptoms. The reward to giving it up is significantly improved health, both in terms of being able to catch the bus that's just pulling away, and in terms of a long life. Plus, all the money you save by not buying the cigarettes (and the health care costs some day - because yall know we aren't going to get a nationalized health plan anytime soon).
Its just habit (and chemical addiction) that keeps them going back for more.
Our cars and diet and electricity use and all the rest are basically like cigarettes. They don't make us happier in life, but we have a lot of trouble giving them up.
(The good news is, no physical addiction!)
Other things that are good for the earth, which in the long run are good for our pocketbooks, our health, and/or our happiness, include buying the absolute smallest car you can find, buying less stuff (we all know stuff doesn't really make us happier), living close to work (or better yet, telecommuting), eating organic (more nutrients, less toxic chemicals), saving energy (this should go without saying.) It does take more time to put the clothes on the line. But not only do you save money, that is time spent outdoors in the sun, instead of in some laundrymat or the basement.
Then, with all the surplus in good deeds, spend some of that on the things that make life better, (but maybe aren't the best things ecologically)
If you spent all year saving electricity, go ahead and put up that elaborate xmas light display.
After buying everything on Craigslist.org or from thrift stores, go ahead and buy a brand new high quality food processor.
After biking to work every day, take the car up to the mountains for vacation.
And don't feel bad about it!
A few weeks ago the creators of faircompanies.com came to my home with cameras, and I gave a tour of my home, and spoke of some of my political and philosophical ideas while I worked.
I didn't prepare what I was going to say, and in retrospect, perhaps I should have.
After, I tried to figure what exactly my overall point has been.
Some things in personal life have been getting in the way of writing for a while, but I think I can summarize it all now.
The overall point is this: Do the big stuff. Having done that, don't sweat the small stuff.
Americans have grown accustomed to a excessively high level of luxury and convenience, to the point where some of what we take for granted doesn't even improve quality of life.
And among the people who are aware of the implications of our impact, it has become all too easy to rationalize doing the exact opposite.
Today a great many people do all the little things, and this makes it easier to rationalize not doing what will make the biggest difference.
This is not to say that there isn't a level of sacrifice in the little things, or that they don't make a positive difference.
We should continue to
turn down the heat or AC a few degrees
use cloth shopping bags
keep tires inflated and engines tuned
turn off the water while brushing teeth
shut lights when leaving a room
recycle
and all the rest
But, even if every American did all of those sort of things, our rates of consumption of both energy and material (per capita) are so far beyond that of any other society in the world.
Many Americans today point to China and their rapidly growing economy. They are catching up, and projected to surpass us in, for example, use of coal and oil. But they also have over 4 times as many people. When they reach our levels, they are still using 25% of what we use per person. In other words, as Americans you and I are using far more than our share of world resources. On average, 5 times more. If every human lived like the average American, we would need 5 times more resources (land, energy, materials, water, and capacity to absorb pollution) than actually exist. I'd be willing to bet that if you are reading this, you are doing far better than the average American.
2 times more than ones share is certainly incomparably better than 5 times more; but it is still really not sustainable.
We are able to live this way only at the expense of other people somewhere else, both in the third world, and people of the future (including, depending on age, ourselves).
The thing is, the big things really aren't as bad as we tend to assume.
The one really big question to ask ourselves, as responsible and concerned people, is: how much will this change/purchase/decision affect my overall quality of life?
Not just "will it make life a little easier?" but "will it make me more fulfilled?" or "will it substantially decrease stress?". How would you feel looking back on your life someday if you had never done/purchased/chosen whatever? Would it even be an issue?
It was many years ago when I last rode a mountain bike on a trail.
I had this heavy old Fuji that folded in half, weighed about 50lbs, had a 5 speed freewheel and friction thumb shifters. For those that don't know bikes, that means it was a pretty crappy bike.
But, I had really nice tires on it, and it is just amazing the crud you can ride over with fat knobbies.
But then I moved into an RV, there was only room for one bike, and I took my more versatile road touring bike. The mnt. bike went up on the wall in the garage in Mom's house.
Before long I moved out of the area, then out of the state, and clear across the country. The bike hung upside down, its tires sad with nostalgia of mud. We had once encountered a small stream at about 15mph, and before I had a chance to even get scared (nevermind brake) we were already over and past it. Now, without me, they did nothing but than lose air molecules, one by one.
I came back, eventually, to CA. I took the mountain bike with me to Burning Man.
One night, I parked it outside next to my RV. Someone came by and claimed it. I suppose the idea is, in a semi-anarchistic gifting culture, no one can lay claim to property, and so this wasn't so much theft as involuntary sharing.
I decided that next time I wanted to get a half-way decent mountain bike. Which meant that for years and years, I had none at all, because there was always more important things to spend money on.
Many years passed.
I became a hauler. You wouldn't believe the things I get paid to pick up from people. My TV, DVD, VCR, RePlay, CD changer, sofa, scanner/printer... these are all things I was paid to take away. I have had several bikes, but none were quite right, and they passed through my hands to new owners.
And one day, just last week, I ended up with a mountain bike, and this one I kept.
I was a little disappointed at first when I looked it up and found out how cheap it was when it was new. A bit heavy for the frame size. Cheap forks without much rebound damping. Low end Shimano components.
On the other hand, the frame is far too small for me, which has the advantage of making it lighter (plus plenty of standover height, and a short wheelbase for maneuverability).
The fork has a huge range of easily adjustable preload, changing it from very soft and cushy to stiff while retaining small bump sensitivity.
And, working as a bike mechanic for the past couple years, I recognize that while the shifters are a decade old and were cheap back then, they actually stand the test of time, and this particular design fails less often than many newer and more expensive ones. Just like every other of the same model I've come across, they still shift as crisp and precise as a new set.
Its about half the weight of the bike lost to Burning Man, and its the first bike I've owned with any suspension fork at all. Took it to work in order to tweak it a little, upgrade a few components, barends, clipless pedals. Sure is nice working in a bikeshop!
I would normally fit a 17 frame, and this being a 12.5", I had the seatpost way past the limit mark - the point at which there's a good chance it'll break off sooner or later, and it was still too low. I found an old extra long seatpost in the scrap metal bin. All of the grippy teeth were worn away to nothing. I took half an hour to file new teeth into the post. No decent bikeshop should be without several types of file.
Today was the first day on which I had no work, and nothing planned.
Several independent people have brought up in one way or another the concept of telling someone (specifically me) what one thinks may be wrong with them, and the idea that this would always be offensive and/or hurtful and that it would always be resisted.
Several people have suggested that perhaps it is best to let someone figure it out for themselves - no matter how long it takes, no matter how much negative things they may endure in the mean time. Those "no matter"s aren't said explicitly, but it is inherent and unavoidable.
I realize and understand that many people have fragile egos. I understand how any kind of negativity can be interpreted as an insult or personal attack.
So, as far as me interacting with others, I have been trying, and plan to continue to try, to apply that advice, and not give advise or opinions unsolicited.
I want everyone to realize that I am not like most people in some ways.
I do not have low-self-esteem issues. If anything, I have high-self-esteem issues. I have plenty of self-confidence.
However, I do not think, and never have thought, that I am perfect.
I want, and try, to be as honest and objective about myself as I possibly can.
But, of course, being inside my own head, it is impossible to be totally objective about myself.
Sometimes I need help.
If not for a total coincidence, I would not EVER have come to the conclusion that I have some significant attachment issues of my own that affect how I interact with everyone in my life, "on my own". It wasn't just "time" or "self-reflection" that brought me to understand this. It was learning new information.
If someone had told me about AD years ago, I might have been able to apply that knowledge, that self-understanding, and made a lot of different - better - choices. (I don't blame anyone for that, RAD has only been recognized a few years, and officially adult RAD doesn't even exist. This is just a hypothetical example)
My point is, unlike many people, unlike "normal" people, I don't take attempts at constructive criticism as a personal attack.
I want to learn and grow and be a better, kinder person.
Sure, when I first hear something, maybe I'll be a little defensive if you manage to surprise me enough.
More likely, I will listen, consider, and then tell you why I disagree, with out really feeling hurt.
I will ask you to elaborate, I will ask you for examples, I will try to understand.
I will take some time to think further about it, because I am a slow thinker.
I may still end up disregarding what you say if I feel and believe what you are saying is wrong. But I still won't be upset with you for thinking it, or for saying it.
SO:
you! reading this right now.
I want you to tell me what's wrong with me
Tell me what you don't like about me
Tell me in what ways I drive you friggen crazy sometimes
Tell me what neurotic or psychotic conditions I may have
Tell me about my character flaws, my faults, my weaknesses, my vices
Tell me how I could do things better, or what you would like to see less of or more of in me in our interactions.
I don't promise to change, but I do promise not to hold it against you that you were honest.
In fact, if I don't get some harsh words from someone, that's gonna upset me!
You can send me an email if you don't want to post your devastating, cruel, humiliating, and downright mean comments in the comments section of a publicly viewable blog, least others see your comments and think poorly of you for having had the audacity to say such things in print even though it is what I asked for.
Lenardsimp@gmail.com
[edited for space throughout, link to full text below]
...
after that horrible experience ... hours awake ... alone with my thoughts... I decided that ... I would not even try to sleep.
This time I took the opposite route, modofinil, caffeine pills and primatene... cranked up the music, turned on every light in the house...
With hours to kill, I looked up an internet forum I found months ago when I was trying to learn more about the sort of psychological issues I suspected my wife of having related to her traumatic childhood, and how it was likely to play out in our marriage.
This time ... I was just looking for general validation and emotional support from people who had dealt with the exact same issues themselves. There are many posts both from people who have attachment problems of their own as well as spouses and former spouses of them.
I signed up this time.
I read a lot of posts that felt very familiar. I read questions I had been asking, feelings I was feeling. I started writing myself, wrote in detail about my experiences... Within hours I was getting responses back to my own posts, ones which felt relevant, helpful, and always validating.
... I finally closed the computer. It was daylight by then. I spent the day variously: pacing around, lying on the floor, not returning work calls, lying awake in bed, checking for new emails or friends online ... and thinking thinking thinking about all that I had learned and how it applied to my past, how it changed the context of my memories.
...
Some of the things I read, which echoed things I had felt, were written not by a spouse of someone with an attachment disorder, but by a person with an attachment disorder themselves.
This was not the first time the idea had occurred to me
After all, I had very abnormally strong infatuations on random girls throughout grade school, I had never felt particularly connected to my family, I rarely formed close friendships and had little desire for them, and clearly how I felt about Aileen was obsessive -
NO! Don't say that!
Its Love!
Its Real!
why are you getting so defensive?
that totally invalidates my feelings, it denies that my love for her is based on her
it implies all sorts of terrible things
that line of reasoning leads to total disillusionment...
don't be so dramatic
its over anyway, so there is no point
you can stop now...
just admit that your feeling for her are obsessive
NO!
...I don't want to hear...
Hey! Calm down... look, granted, there is, and always was, a real base. I'm not denying that. I'm not taking that away from us. If we didn't have any type of abnormal attachment styles, I'm sure we would still have picked the exact same person.
I'm not saying the love itself is not fully genuine. I am only saying the degree of the feeling is obsessive.
Think about it: you don't believe you could live with out her, do you?
Well... no
You feel that you don't just want her, but that you need her?
I... I... yes.I do.
But that is not true, in an objective sense, is it?
Despair, disgust, apathy, fear, anger and hatred all beckon to me
I do not know what to say to them
And so I stare silently
Like a sheep, encountering a new fence
---------
Comfort comes from the oddest places
He made me feel like I am not crazy
I understand why she felt such a longing for validation
When I went outside this morning, it was sunny and bright, but not at all too hot
I have but one payment left, and my home becomes mine
Today I stopped in at a work site
I was only planning to assess, and make an estimate
I did not even bring my tools
But when I looked at it, I could see the problem, and I repaired it right then and there, using my swiss army knife
I found my wetsuit, and the water awaits
I thought that you should all know I am doing better
devoid of meaning
a faint echo of death keeps whispering to me from the distance
I do not hear it
I can not heed it
I do not wish to
I know I will not
But it is there
I need sleep
I beg for it
It is callous
Like her
It knows that I need it; but it is selfish, it has its own priorities, and it will not come to me
I know it is near by, just outside, enjoying the night
I have always tried to be good to sleep
Sleep medicine is no different from no-doz; it makes no difference, not even a little
Maybe I need something prescription strength; medical insurance leaves me in divorce
At least sleep never told me it loved me
I feel as though I have no organs
I may have, at one time, but they have dissolved
Sometimes they have been replaced with barbed wire
Other times they are replaced with nothing
I feel sick
Maybe that's all the sleeping pills
I can't remember for sure, but I think the feeling was already there
I think that was the reason I took them
I keep hearing "time"
This planet has circled our sun
I feel worse now than I did 1 year ago
I did not think, when I last wrote, that it was possible to feel worse than I did
How much time?
2 years? 3?
What happens to the human brain if it feels this way for too long?
I am told you learn to trust again
I am told you learn to love again
It's not that I don't believe it
I am scared
I would like to see it work
6 years ago I thought this would
Time may heal, but it offers no security
I told her I could not be friends with her
I was not asking for much
For her to keep her agreements to me
Is that so much to ask of a friend?
She expected that from me
I had asked that before we give up, we have at least a short-term commitment with exclusivity, a trial-unseparation, and see how that went
If it still didn't work out, so be it
She agreed to that
And then she just didn't do it
She decided she didn't feel like it.
She said she would go through the relationship book with me, the one that she ordered.
And halfway through, she just stopped, she changed her mind about trying
She wasn't going to try anymore
I asked her to spend a night at my place, because I had been spending a lot at hers
She agreed to that
And then she just didn't
I asked her to read my last letter a second time, after allowing a few days for it to sink in
She agreed to that
She just didn't do it
All I needed was that she not ask me to stay the night with her if it didn't mean anything to her, since she knew I was still in love
All I needed was for her to not have sex with me if it didn't mean anything to her
She thinks saying the words "this doesn't change anything" made it ok
All I needed was for her to show some basic level of concern, even when I wasn't especially upset
This was not too much to ask
But when I told her I needed for her to be willing to do this just these basic things to prevent hurting me so much
She said she was not willing to
She would rather lose my friendship altogether than to have to change anything at all about her behavior
She says she can't help the way she feels
If she would rather lose my friendship than to put even the slightest effort into not hurting me, then she never loved me
Much of the time, I feel like its done, I can move on.
I understand what went wrong, and its too late to fix it.
Ache Vecho.
There is still so much else good in life, good in my life.
Many interesting people, much fun to be had.
I have not been dreaming about her (at least, I don't think so, I usually don't remember my dreams though)
Tonight I did.
She was at my home for some reason. It was late. She was in the living room, I in my bedroom. I had been acting as if everything were normal, but I was roiling inside.
I'm not sure exactly what about.
Mostly I was angry.
Often, I am (angry) when I'm awake, in real life.
But, at her? at life? at myself?
I don't know.
I feel like she took from me my love. The feeling of love itself. I no longer have any love. I have nothing. (I have things, many things, but nothing to take the place of love).
I enjoy writing. I enjoy running, jumping, climbing, skating, singing while I bicycle. I enjoy trips to new places, meeting interesting people, going out at night with friends. I enjoy both of my jobs, I love that I help people, that I'm good at them, that it makes a difference, and not just to some corporation. I am proud of having a green business, of working for a non-profit, for helping to save the world in my own little way. I have been largely successful in my efforts to make my neighborhood a little better, making things happen, getting on the landlords case.
I have gotten an unusual amount of attention from women, something I'm not at all used to, and it gives me self-confidence and motivation. I've even been asked out, and she is fascinating and wonderful and fun and we share many ideas and I look forward to getting to know her better.
My relationship, my marriage was the most important thing in my life. I don't think that is abnormal or unhealthy. I think she was right for me. I think we could have been happy in the long run with the right changes.
And so it leaves me in this weird place where the person who has hurt me is also the person I most care about. Do I want her, or do I resent her? She hurt me more than anyone ever has. She made me more happy than anyone else ever has.
Even if she were not so closed to me, and was willing to talk about it, if she ended up wanting to work on it before giving up, how could I ever trust her? She said she was 100% sure. She said that over and over. If she changed her mind about 100% sure, then a commitment from her could never mean anything. I couldn't feel safe.
I enjoyed the feeling of being part of a couple. I considered her in my every decision. I enjoyed feeling love for someone. I never felt that before. I had felt care, infatuation, respect, but not love. And I feel like she robbed me of all those wonderful feelings. It may sound illogical, but not wanting her actually hurts worse than knowing she doesn't want me.
Wait, actually go up and watch the video before you read the following text.
No, really.
Otherwise you’ll ruin it. It’s really short, honest.
OK. I’m going to bet you missed it.
Everyone does.
You’d think something so out of the ordinary would stand out, right?
Their point is that when you are driving you are expecting cars, not bikes, and that you need to be consciously aware of the possibility of bikes, so that you don’t run into them.
I’ve seen this demonstration before, on TV.
In addition they had a person go up to a receptionist. The receptionist said they had to get some papers from under the desk, and when they stood up again, it was a different person.
Sometimes a twin in different clothes, sometimes someone who looked different but in the same clothes.
No one noticed that either.
In addition to reacting to things you don’t notice (like a bike in the street)
This has serious implications for the justice system.
Certainly something like a crime in progress would be a suitable distraction from seeing all the details. Yet the most valued evidence is eye witness testimony.
If there is gunfire and shouting and confusion going on, one of the robbers could be a moonwalking bear, and we might not notice.
Consider the simple optical illusion - usually nothing more than a way to amuse grade schoolers, but it has similar implications about our minds.
The Ancient Greeks were aware of this. When they built the Parthenon, they built it deliberately imperfect - they curved the floor and other lines a tiny bit; exactly enough to compensate for the optical illusion that makes a perpendicular line among a row of straight lines appear curved. So from a distance it appears perfect, but only because of the flaws of human perception.
But even more, consider your own mind and perception.
We usually look at this academically, "people" are like that. "People" have unreliable memories, faulty perception, fail to notice certain details. No, its not just people. Its you. You, reading this right now. Its me. Its individuals, and no one is exempt.
Which begs the question, how sure are you of... well, anything, really? How do you know it’s true?
Of course drugs and insanity and religion make people "know" things which are really not true, but how much of what you remember really happened, or happened exactly the way you think it did?
I wonder if its ever reasonable to be 100% confident.
Once we settled into bed, I spent some time rubbing your back, while we spoke of things we had been thinking about.
Nothing particularly important, but we were still awake, and it’s always nice to talk.
Now we are both getting sleepy, are ready to actually fall asleep.
You lie on your side, facing away from me.
I lie behind you, facing you, our bodies lightly against each other.
It’s a cool night, but not cold
naked, beneath the blankets, our natural warmth together is the perfect amount to combat the night air,
you, of course, have your feet outside of the blankets.
My arm is over and across you, my hand around your breast
your arm overlaps mine, your hand on my hand.
And we fall asleep feeling the subtle expansion and contraction of each other’s breathing
You, with the light touch of my breath on the back of your neck, me, with the subtle scent of your hair in my breath
For me, I fall asleep to the thought that I cannot imagine a more perfect existence
than spending my time with so beautiful a person
the only lover I have ever had, have ever wanted
