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Bakari
biodieselhau...
Male
Oakland, CA



 
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You are currently viewing archive for September 2007
Posted By Bakari

I say "have a good night"

They respond "enjoy your weekend"

It sounds pretty stupid, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I always feel like maybe they are trying to show me up with a superior salutation (wait, does that mean greeting? what is the term for goodbyes?)
Like I should say "on yeah, well enjoy your whole week! Have a good month!!!! I hope your whole life is filled with meaning, pleasure, and goodness - motherfucker!"

These thoughts would not occur to normal people would they?


Here is an unrelated question.
I have asked it before, but no one ever answered it.

I have 7 readers (one of the 8 is really me)
This blog has supposedly been read 16 times today, and 95 this week, although there have only been 2 posts.
Who are you? Where did you find me? Why don't you ever comment? Or are the same 7 people refreshing the page over and over and over, 13.5 times each, (or is it all Beth, who mentioned doing something like that once, refreshing the page 83 times this week?)
On average each post has had 26 views. Maybe thats normal. Someone must be reading this and knows the answer and refuses to tell me. You, whoever you are, are just so weird.



See my new profile picture? One of the earliest cars with the Tango. It probably won't be the car of the future, but it should be. 2 Passenger electric car, powerful, fast, full steel racing style roll cage, thin enough t lane split or park between 2 regular parking spaces facing the curb. The traffic jam would go the way of the model T.
Unfortunately, the reasonably affordable models are only concept cars until they get more funding.

George Cloony bought one of the first of their top of the line sports models.



hour and a half till I get to go home...


 
Posted By Bakari

A few minutes ago my iPod, randomly shuffling between a 605 track playlist, played "Everyday" by Dave Matthews Band.
I was putting up window tint, and not thinking about you at all at the time.
It immediately made me think of - not of you exactly, but of the feeling of you, the general thought of you.

Within the next second, it reminded me of Stanford and then El Cerrito. Then again, not really the places, but the feelings that go along with them, a memory not of any particular site or sound, but of the feeling I had when I was there

And of course, the places themselves were of no significance, it was the person I was with who made those places interesting, something to look forward to.

I have the feeling of "nostalgia" now and then, from different things, about different things. In one way it is a good feeling, but usually it is more just interesting than it is pleasant. The good component is usually balanced by an unpleasant part, which is much too subtle to explain, almost too subtle to even notice, but it is there none-the-less.

I can't remember a feeling of nostalgia which was as filled with warmth. Warmth is precisely it. It was all pleasant feeling, even with what has been going on recently. It made me realize something:

I think I really was in love with you, long before I was aware of it, long before I told you, long before I admitted it. Not just "love" in the sense that I have loved you all along and continue to, not just care and positive regard, but "in" love, with that extra little special something which is indefinable.

 

-A digression:

I have updated my theories of love. I used to belittle the feeling of "in" love as either being "just" a crush or infatuation, or lust, in any case, not real, not sustainable.
These certainly can be factors, and the three can be impossible to distinguish sometimes. But, when accompanied by "real" love (you know what I mean), the distinction comes in the indefinable element.

You can list the factors which make a person someone you would love, but there are always other things, subtle, indefinable, unplaceable things, which are still very real despite being incommunicable, which are the extra element, which make it "in" love.

 

 

Sometimes I would say I loved you, and you would ask why, and I might say I wasn't sure. Which you took to mean it was either untrue or meaningless. But really, it was very true, and very meaningful. Probably more so than the list of qualities could ever be. You do fulfill the 'list', but another person who filled the list might not be the same to me as you are.

I had always assumed that when people used the term "chemistry" they were essentially talking about lust. But, this morning I was thinking about all this; you said something to the effect that if certain others had specific qualities, (and maybe they will turn out to) I would really like her - but I don't feel for anyone, now, ever, quite the way I did (and still do) for you, even back when I didn't admit it. Perhaps it could be called "chemistry"; whatever it is, it's missing with others.

 

<entire blog at MySpace>


 
Posted By Bakari

Love

 

My definition:

 

Several parts, all absolutely necessary without exception.

(In no particular order)

 

Intimacy:

Which I consider to also consist of several parts –

Trust: one should be willing to tell the other what they think and feel.

Comfort: one should be as comfortable doing or saying anything in front of the other as they would be if they were alone

 

Care:

I define this as not only feeling sympathy, but the willingness to make a personal sacrifice for another's gain. One is not only willing, but will take the initiative to give up something they want, or to do something they don't want, in order to make the other happy. This should be up to, and including, a one to one ratio – i.e. a sacrifice of equal magnitude to the gain the other gets from it. In any particular instance the ratio can be higher (I give up something I strongly want to give you something you moderately want) but overall it should not exceed 1:1; that would be an indication of a non-mutual, and ultimately unhealthy, relationship.

 

Enjoyment:

A desire to be with the person, just for its own sake. Not because it makes them happy, not because one should, not because they provide some particular useful thing, but just because it is enjoyable to spend time with them.

 

Understanding:

Both knowledge of and understanding of the reasoning behind the other's beliefs, principals, opinions and preferences, and having one's own beliefs principals, opinions and preferences known and understood. This does not mean that each must necessarily agree with them all, but they should know what they are and why.

All of these things must be present for me to call it love. Any one or any two of them I would not be comfortable calling love. I certainly have felt one or two of these for others before. Never before all three for the same person. I had to experience it before I could formulate my definition, and so I have used the term in circumstances which I wouldn't today. To me, it is not an easy thing to come by.

Note that the first 3 can exist without being mutual.

 

Any of the four can exist without the other 3, which would constitute a friendship.

Having, say, 3 of the 4 could make a very special and important relationship. But having all 4 makes a qualitatively different relationship. It is what separates a close friendship from a life partner, or a healthy "long term relationship" from an unhealthy one.

 

<entire blog at MySpace>


 
Posted By Bakari

Wait, what did that title say?
"My company"?

That still sounds so weird.

Yes, my company has been in business for just over one year.

As of 2 days ago, Bio-Diesel Hauling has been certified green by the Bay Area Green Business Program.

As of last night I have a website! http://www.biodieselhauling.org/

Within the next few days I will have registered my fictitious business name. (Form and check are filled out, its up to the USPS now).

I have a newly designed card.

I have had enough work from repeats, referrals, and through the BikeStation that I have not had to post an ad (on Craigslist) for almost 2 months.

In recognition of these successes, I have decided (as CEO) to give myself (as driver and laborer) a 50% raise.

Don't worry, my friends, family, referrals, and loyal repeat customers will all continue to receive my old rate (20/hr & 1/mile) for at least the next half a year.


What I'm wondering now is if anything will ever happen to me in life that I actually did plan in advance.