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Bakari
biodieselhau...
Male
Oakland, CA



 
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You are currently viewing archive for July 2008
Posted By Bakari

Several independent people have brought up in one way or another the concept of telling someone (specifically me) what one thinks may be wrong with them, and the idea that this would always be offensive and/or hurtful and that it would always be resisted.
Several people have suggested that perhaps it is best to let someone figure it out for themselves - no matter how long it takes, no matter how much negative things they may endure in the mean time. Those "no matter"s aren't said explicitly, but it is inherent and unavoidable.

I realize and understand that many people have fragile egos. I understand how any kind of negativity can be interpreted as an insult or personal attack.
So, as far as me interacting with others, I have been trying, and plan to continue to try, to apply that advice, and not give advise or opinions unsolicited.

I want everyone to realize that I am not like most people in some ways.
I do not have low-self-esteem issues. If anything, I have high-self-esteem issues. I have plenty of self-confidence.
However, I do not think, and never have thought, that I am perfect.

I want, and try, to be as honest and objective about myself as I possibly can.
But, of course, being inside my own head, it is impossible to be totally objective about myself.

Sometimes I need help.
If not for a total coincidence, I would not EVER have come to the conclusion that I have some significant attachment issues of my own that affect how I interact with everyone in my life, "on my own". It wasn't just "time" or "self-reflection" that brought me to understand this. It was learning new information.

If someone had told me about AD years ago, I might have been able to apply that knowledge, that self-understanding, and made a lot of different - better - choices. (I don't blame anyone for that, RAD has only been recognized a few years, and officially adult RAD doesn't even exist. This is just a hypothetical example)

My point is, unlike many people, unlike "normal" people, I don't take attempts at constructive criticism as a personal attack.
I want to learn and grow and be a better, kinder person.

Sure, when I first hear something, maybe I'll be a little defensive if you manage to surprise me enough.
More likely, I will listen, consider, and then tell you why I disagree, with out really feeling hurt.
I will ask you to elaborate, I will ask you for examples, I will try to understand.

I will take some time to think further about it, because I am a slow thinker.

I may still end up disregarding what you say if I feel and believe what you are saying is wrong. But I still won't be upset with you for thinking it, or for saying it.

SO:

you! reading this right now.

I want you to tell me what's wrong with me

Tell me what you don't like about me

Tell me in what ways I drive you friggen crazy sometimes

Tell me what neurotic or psychotic conditions I may have

Tell me about my character flaws, my faults, my weaknesses, my vices

Tell me how I could do things better, or what you would like to see less of or more of in me in our interactions.

I don't promise to change, but I do promise not to hold it against you that you were honest.
In fact, if I don't get some harsh words from someone, that's gonna upset me!

 

You can send me an email if you don't want to post your devastating, cruel, humiliating, and downright mean comments in the comments section of a publicly viewable blog, least others see your comments and think poorly of you for having had the audacity to say such things in print even though it is what I asked for.
Lenardsimp@gmail.com

Yes, I am really serious.


 
Posted By Bakari

[edited for space throughout, link to full text below]

...

after that horrible experience ... hours awake ... alone with my thoughts... I decided that ... I would not even try to sleep.
This time I took the opposite route, modofinil, caffeine pills and primatene... cranked up the music, turned on every light in the house...

With hours to kill, I looked up an internet forum I found months ago when I was trying to learn more about the sort of psychological issues I suspected my wife of having related to her traumatic childhood, and how it was likely to play out in our marriage.

This time ... I was just looking for general validation and emotional support from people who had dealt with the exact same issues themselves. There are many posts both from people who have attachment problems of their own as well as spouses and former spouses of them.

I signed up this time.
I read a lot of posts that felt very familiar. I read questions I had been asking, feelings I was feeling. I started writing myself, wrote in detail about my experiences... Within hours I was getting responses back to my own posts, ones which felt relevant, helpful, and always validating.

... I finally closed the computer. It was daylight by then. I spent the day variously: pacing around, lying on the floor, not returning work calls, lying awake in bed, checking for new emails or friends online ... and thinking thinking thinking about all that I had learned and how it applied to my past, how it changed the context of my memories.

...

Some of the things I read, which echoed things I had felt, were written not by a spouse of someone with an attachment disorder, but by a person with an attachment disorder themselves.

This was not the first time the idea had occurred to me
After all, I had very abnormally strong infatuations on random girls throughout grade school, I had never felt particularly connected to my family, I rarely formed close friendships and had little desire for them, and clearly how I felt about Aileen was obsessive -

NO!
Don't say that!
Its Love!
Its Real!

why are you getting so defensive?

that totally invalidates my feelings, it denies that my love for her is based on her
it implies all sorts of terrible things
that line of reasoning leads to total disillusionment...

don't be so dramatic
its over anyway, so there is no point
you can stop now...
just admit that your feeling for her are obsessive

NO!
...I don't want to hear...

Hey! Calm down... look, granted, there is, and always was, a real base. I'm not denying that. I'm not taking that away from us. If we didn't have any type of abnormal attachment styles, I'm sure we would still have picked the exact same person.
I'm not saying the love itself is not fully genuine. I am only saying the degree of the feeling is obsessive.
Think about it: you don't believe you could live with out her, do you?

Well... no

You feel that you don't just want her, but that you need her?

I... I... yes.I do.

But that is not true, in an objective sense, is it?

I feel that it is.

But is it really?

I don't know...

Yes you do.

ok. ok. you're right.

...

[entire post at MySpace ]


 
Posted By Bakari

Despair, disgust, apathy, fear, anger and hatred all beckon to me

I do not know what to say to them

And so I stare silently

Like a sheep, encountering a new fence



---------



Comfort comes from the oddest places
He made me feel like I am not crazy
I understand why she felt such a longing for validation

When I went outside this morning, it was sunny and bright, but not at all too hot

I have but one payment left, and my home becomes mine

Today I stopped in at a work site
I was only planning to assess, and make an estimate
I did not even bring my tools
But when I looked at it, I could see the problem, and I repaired it right then and there, using my swiss army knife

I found my wetsuit, and the water awaits

I thought that you should all know I am doing better


 
Posted By Bakari

devoid of meaning
a faint echo of death keeps whispering to me from the distance

I do not hear it
I can not heed it
I do not wish to
I know I will not
But it is there

I need sleep
I beg for it
It is callous
Like her

It knows that I need it; but it is selfish, it has its own priorities, and it will not come to me
I know it is near by, just outside, enjoying the night
I have always tried to be good to sleep
Sleep medicine is no different from no-doz; it makes no difference, not even a little
Maybe I need something prescription strength; medical insurance leaves me in divorce

 
At least sleep never told me it loved me


I feel as though I have no organs
I may have, at one time, but they have dissolved
Sometimes they have been replaced with barbed wire
Other times they are replaced with nothing
I feel sick
Maybe that's all the sleeping pills
I can't remember for sure, but I think the feeling was already there
I think that was the reason I took them


I keep hearing "time"
This planet has circled our sun
I feel worse now than I did 1 year ago
I did not think, when I last wrote, that it was possible to feel worse than I did
How much time?
2 years?  3?
What happens to the human brain if it feels this way for too long?

I am told you learn to trust again
I am told you learn to love again
It's not that I don't believe it
I am scared
I would like to see it work
6 years ago I thought this would
Time may heal, but it offers no security


I told her I could not be friends with her
I was not asking for much
For her to keep her agreements to me
Is that so much to ask of a friend?
She expected that from me


I had asked that before we give up, we have at least a short-term commitment with exclusivity, a trial-unseparation, and see how that went 
If it still didn't work out, so be it
She agreed to that
And then she just didn't do it 
She decided she didn't feel like it.
She said she would go through the relationship book with me, the one that she ordered.
And halfway through, she just stopped, she changed her mind about trying
She wasn't going to try anymore
I asked her to spend a night at my place, because I had been spending a lot at hers
She agreed to that
And then she just didn't
I asked her to read my last letter a second time, after allowing a few days for it to sink in
She agreed to that
She just didn't do it

All I needed was that she not ask me to stay the night with her if it didn't mean anything to her, since she knew I was still in love
All I needed was for her to not have sex with me if it didn't mean anything to her 
She thinks saying the words "this doesn't change anything" made it ok
All I needed was for her to show some basic level of concern, even when I wasn't especially upset
This was not too much to ask

But when I told her I needed for her to be willing to do this just these basic things to prevent hurting me so much
She said she was not willing to
She would rather lose my friendship altogether than to have to change anything at all about her behavior
She says she can't help the way she feels

If she would rather lose my friendship than to put even the slightest effort into not hurting me, then she never loved me

I do not hold this against her


I suspect she can not love

 

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